Severus, James, and a Surprise!
by San Juanita Hernandez
Summary: Severus gives James a little surprise xD Or...a little surprise(s) that will steadily get bigger : Uke!Snape and Seme!James, they're a bit OOC, MPreg, Fluff, Yaoi, Snape goes TranG-ish, NO Voldemort, Lily, Death Eaters, or Evans/Dursleys'. R&R, and Enjoy! :D M for later chapters! Mehbeh . . The Hurt/Comfort Genre on here, is because Severus is NOT nice to James. Poor James...C:
1. You're WHAT?

Hello! ^.^ It's San Juanita Eva Hernandez, and I'm FINALLY getting around to posting..meh. This is a giftfic, but NOT a oneshot(: Love, you've inspired me! Heehee and I hope I can get better at writing because, grr, in truth, I'm an essayist(: So…yeah…fan fiction…not my strongest suit xDDD But be kind, PLEASE REVIEW! xDD I'm glad that I'm finally publishing this lol, I've been out of my mind! xD

Sadly, i do not own Harry Potter, nor do i own this pairing. DAMN YOU FF FOR MAKING ME ADMIT IT! :D So, as this is getting long...Enjoy! And please, keep in mind...there will be some OOC, MPREG, and...Yaoi, Adult Themes, etc. That's why it's a T, through M, later chapters(: P.S. I updated the last chappie, so THIS one is chappie 1, mmkay? xDDD, now enjoy(:

Love,

Me(: ENFP Extraordinaire!

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><p>"James, love." The way he said it. James was instantly on the alert. He looked at Severus, who stood in front of him, calm, and collected, with an air of acceptance, and a glimmer of sarcasm in his eye, (as always), and with a start, James realized Snape was hiding something in his right hand, behind his back.<p>

"What are you hiding, love?" he asked. "Something important. James," Severus replied, "I have to tell you something, something, that will change our lives, the routines we've become so accustomed to." James was catapulted into flashback. The last time his lover, Severus Snape, had used that tone, was during their 7th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, to announce that he, was going undercover into the Death Eaters, as a personal favor for Albus Dumbledore. When James had blown up at him, asking him what he'd do if he was caught, Snape had replied, voice laden with seriousness, "I'll give them the most painful, and horrible torture ever imaginable."

James had paled. "Oh, no! Not the Cruciatus curse!" he exclaimed, voice going a tad bit shrill with the thought of the pain that could be inflicted with the Torture Curse. There was a pause. "Of course not, you dimwit." Snape retorted, thinking to himself, just how stupid his other half really could be sometimes. Most of the time. James had looked confused for a while, and then, mentally face palming, Severus had said, "I'm going to read them My Immortal, in a hillbilly voice."

The whole world came to a standstill, all over the world, children cried, and newborn babies were born deformed. (A/N Okay..not that last part...WE NEED OUR BABIES!)

James _still_, shuddered violently at the mental image that had run through his mind. "Okay then, you'll be safe, bye bye, have a great time!" he'd said as he all but pushed Snape out the door, in his hurry to get far away from that cursed story, that Severus was no doubt, carrying on his person.

Severus snapped his fingers in front of James's face, usually having the patience to wait until his lover's daydreams and/or flashbacks ended. This was in fact, a common occurrence. "James, are you listening to me?" Snape asked, nostrils flaring slightly.

"Um, ah, er,…of course!" Severus rolled his eyes, unconvinced but letting it drop, "So what were you saying love?" James was nervous. Of course he was. This was Severus. He had several reasons to be nervous, all too painfully etched into his mind. He _sincerely_ hoped Snape wasn't going to say that he was going to return to his job as a Potions' Master, for Hogwarts, because honestly, he was wonderful with potions, not so good with kids. And he was still completely in the dark about that one.

As far as Snape was concerned, he thought himself a brilliant teacher, it was those _students_, those ill-bred, lackey students who were so lazy, and incompetent, that they could not even tell the difference between a Draught of Living Death, and a Pepper Up! Those students that absolutely got on his nerves, for being such dimwits! (Albeit not so much as James did.) The future of the wizarding world, painful enough as it was to know and remember, lay in the hands of a bunch of idiots. A bunch of hormonal, stupid, ungrateful, foolish, teenagers. Everyday, Severus, lost a bit more hope, that the wizarding world would continue.

_That_ is exactly why, when Severus looked James in the eye, and said, in a very clear, very accepting tone of voice, "James, I'm pregnant." while holding out a pregnancy test, in his right hand, James stopped breathing. When James looked _very_ closely at the test, examining it, and, seeing the fate-changing plus sign, (an all too happy shade of pink,) with the word "Pregnant" beside it, he promptly, (Being Snape's lover called for these skills) and of course, expertly, fainted, falling flat on his face.

"Well, he took that well, didn't he?" Snape said aloud, to no one in particular, resignation at the man who was a soon-to-be-father and. more importantly, father of _his_ child, well, er, _their_ child no less, Severus, could only hope that their child, inherit the brains of it's...er...mother? and not the dim-wittedness and foolishness, of it's father. (Snape admitted, albeit grudgingly, to himself that yes, James was father, he, unluckily enough, was mother.) Exasperation etched onto his face as he realized that it was too late, to go find a less dim-witted man out there. He gently rubbed his belly, the flat, smooth skin keeping the secret well, except for a little bump, that, for right now at least, only the mother could feel.

He was, in fact, pregnant.

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><p>emm...that's it...for chapter 1 ^.^ I will tell you, the chapters will get longer and longer, I still have no idea how many I'll do...but...emm...Don't hate me(: Especially you, love! You know who you are o.O<p>

Well, i'll update another chappie soon, R&R, and bye bye! :D


	2. Just A Dream?

Hello! This is chappie 2! (: I hope you like it, LOL i busted my butt to write this O.O

ahahaha, sadly, i do not own Harry Potter, or this pairing. I DO however own the books and movies ^.^

Alright then loves, ENJOY! :D

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><p>PREVIOUSLY ON: Severus, James, and a Surprise!<p>

_That is exactly why, when Severus looked James in the eye, and said, in a very clear, very accepting tone of voice, "James, I'm pregnant." while holding out a pregnancy test, in his right hand, James stopped breathing. When James looked very closely at the test, examining it, and, seeing the fate-changing plus sign, (an all too happy shade of pink,) with the word "Pregnant" beside it, he promptly, (Being Snape's lover called for these skills) and of course, expertly, fainted, falling flat on his face._

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><p>"<em>Honey, do you know where my jumper is?" James looked up, at his cute, very pregnant wife Severus, as she walking in to the living room, wearing a black maternity dress, bunny slippers, and a long, white pinafore apron.<em>

"_Yes, dear." he said, "It was on the cat." _

"_Ah. That explains it, well enough. Thank you, love." Severus strode over with some difficulty, leaned over, and gave James a quick peck on the lips. "Anytime dearest," he replied, with a grin. _

_Snape caught on well enough, "You're imagining me naked aren't you, you pervert?"_

"_Definitely" James replied, unabashedly. Severus blushed, and said, "Oh shut up, you spineless git." and strode up the stairs to find the cat._

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><p>"Throbbing, aching, head,…oh Merlin, am I hungover?" James Potter, awoke on his couch, confused at the time, but knowing that the sun streaming directly on his face, coupled with the neighbors playing an especially loud number of "Hex Me With Your Lovin" by Katrina Patriarch, made his headache the size of Texas, throb angrily.<p>

Oh Merlin, what was that dream all about? James was a bit, alright, a lot, confused, but then again, this was James. When wasn't he, confused? Oh right, whenever he was balls deep in…er…never mind.

The important issue was finding his adorable _husband, _making sure he wasn't a woman, making sure he wasn't pregnant, and then eating breakfast. Alright then, it's a plan!

"Severus?" he called, no one answering. Damn. Phase 1 of the plan? Effectively, rejected. The house was empty, save for him. Drunkenly, he made his way off the couch and towards the bathroom, which was, unforgivably, upstairs. He climbed with some difficulty, and then upon reaching it, found the door to be locked.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!" he swore, kicking the door indignantly, and then sunk to the floor, and held his poor forehead in his hands, cradling it gently like a newborn baby.

Baby?

"Oh, hell!" the events of last night came to him, in one of those blinding realizations, (nothing too good for his headache) and he, immediately put two and two together. He was some idiot!

James couldn't believe that he'd gone and gotten so roaringly drunk enough, that he dreamed that his lovable, angry, violent, cuddly Severus was going to have a baby! His baby none-the-less, oh he was a dumb slimy git, he was.

"Oh, Merlin, wait till Severus hears!" he mused aloud to himself.

The lock on the bathroom door clicked, and out stepped a sleepy looking Snape, who was blinking tiredly. "Wait, till I hear what, exactly?" he asked sleepily, holding on to his very swollen, very much pregnant belly.

Severus found it almost hilarious at how quickly James' expressions changed. From relief, to disbelief, to shock, to doubt, to realization, and finally he fainted yet again.

Severus stood still, and laughing heartily to himself, untied the strings of the "Pregnant Belly Model" that he'd gotten from Dumbledore, from his back, and the pulled it off of him, and choked with giggles, stared at poor James's fainted face. Didn't he look tired?

Oh. Snape thought, it doesn't end here, my dear love, you are going to suffer through _hell _these nine months, my lovely James Potter. I'm about to test that famous Gryffindor bravery, courage, and chivalry. Hahaha….let the pain begin(:

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James snapped up, from his position in the bed. Was it all a dream? He looked over at Severus, sleeping so peacefully next to him. He lifted the covers, and looked at Snape's bare torso, no bump even visible. He smiled and lay back down, looking over at his slowly stirring husband…

Snape opened his eyes, and smiled at James. "Good morning, love." he said, blinking sleepily, facing James. James looked at him. At his pale skin, flawless and milky, at his rosy pink nipples, his perfect, shapely teeth, his black, emotionless hot and cold eyes, at his _soul_… "You're beautiful, Severus." James said, breathless, and in need.

Severus smiled, and he said, in a soft, seductive whisper, "If I'm beautiful now, imagine me when I'll positively _glow, _when I hold our baby." Severus, stopped, and with a mental grin, looked at James's dumbstruck expression.

"What?" James asked, his eyes clouding over with confusion. "Why darling, don't you remember?" Snape said, playfully, "I'm pregnant darling, with your baby." and smiled widely.

"You mean it wasn't all just a dream?" James was scared. He'd never been more shocked in his life. And what was it with Severus, _smiling_? He wasn't acting like himself at all! James's personal values, and his world was crumbling, all around him. How could Severus be,…be,.. be…_preggers_?

"No it wasn't all 'just a dream', love, I'm pregnant," Snape paused for breath, and with a malicious smirk (Bingo. James thought to himself, it's definitely Severus.) "This is YOUR baby, so you better not do something stupid, and you better hope to _hell_ it comes out looking like you, but thinking like me. Understand?" Snape paused, once again, and smiled delicately.

James…fainted. Fell off the bed, and hit himself on the head.

And Snape, smirked to himself, thinking about the resounding _'Smack' _and thought, yes. Yes. He's always been a fainter. And with a malicious grin, he said aloud, "I wonder what it'll be like nine months from now, on delivery day?"

Yes. The mental image of James fainting, while in a blue sterile outfit, as he looked on while Snape delivered, sent a rush of laughter from Severus's chest.

Oh, but the delivery itself wasn't going to be fun. But, as Severus touched his stomach, it was going to be worth it. Who would've known? He was thinking Hufflepuff thoughts, and inwardly, he slightly cringed. Only slightly though. That, Gryffindor was in fact, rubbing off on him.

He overturned the sheets, once again, snuggled in on James's side, paid no attention to the love of his life sprawled on his back, and happily sunk into the warmth, and thought to himself, maybe, if I'm lucky enough, I can catch a full night's sleep before he wakes up.

Smirking to himself, Snape looked over at James, and wondered, I wonder what he's dreaming of?

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><p>Oh, dear me, isn't Snape-y evil :D I just love his mean little uke thoughts xD But, he is entitled. He is, after all, very pregnant(: Ohhh, what will happen next? Let's wait and see(: REVIEW PLEASE! I need to get better, so gimme some constructive criticism, pweez *anime eyes*<p>

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Thankie!

With Love,

San Juanita E. Hernandez(: ENFP Extraordinaire! :D


	3. Boobs and A Surprise Partay!

Alright...I'm sorry I couldn't upload earlier :/ Fanfiction was being MEAN! They finally got it straightened out, but by then i'd lost my muse...so I'm going to write a few drabbles before i can get into "SERIOUS" mode(: NOT my fault...teehee(: I hope you'll forgive me?

Severus: Maybe, if you'd written the chapters in advance, or at least planned this story out, then maybe you wouldn't feel so *I stun Snape* Me: I'm sorry love, and I know you're preggers but, you need to learn when to shut your mouth.  
>James: *comes skipping along.* "What. wha, wha what did you do to Severus?" O.O<br>Me: I had to stun him. I'm sorry.  
>James: MEANIE! *hurls himself at me, and i stun him too*<br>Sigh. I have such bothersome characters. Teehee, DISCLAIMER!,theplot,storyline,''s. I just own a freaking computer and a very big imagination(: Thank you!Now go along and read! Love,  
>San Juanita E. Hernandez ENFP Extraordinaire! :D<p>

Oh, and before i forget! To: _Infinite Nosferatu : _Thank you for giving me the inspiration to bring the baby shower in early! I had planned it for later, but now...this way the next few chapters get their humour doubled! :D Ahaha Arigato, and enjoy! :D

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><p>The sun was shining and the birds were chirping away outside the window, where one Severus Snape was situated at the home computer, typing and clicking away. This behavior often accommodated gasps, growls, purrs, dirty looks, happy faces, small smiles, and looks of horror. Snape, was researching pregnancy and all that came with it.<p>

Thump. A weary James Potter looked over the fort of pillows he'd built around himself, as one very well aimed missile (Ironically a pillow) made it over his defenses, and smacked him in the face. This wasn't the first time it had happened. How do you think James had gotten enough pillows to build the fort? With his wand downstairs next to the telly, he was utterly defenseless against that bi-polar pregnant wife of his, who also had his wand. Sometimes, James himself wondered if subconsciously, he had a death wish. "What did I do now?" he asked tiredly, refusing to be scared. Thump. Okay, refusing to be killed.

Snape was furious. He'd been reading a way-too-cheery article depicting the "Miracle of Childbirth." He wanted to strangle the insensitive prat that that written it. Where was the miracle? He was 2 months pregnant, and his head hurt, his ankles were swollen, he always had to pee, he was tired, he ate the most _weirdest_ things, he was dizzy, and most annoying of all, his nipples were more sensitive, and he wanted to have sex all the freaking time! Something that James took advantage of gleefully. "Look at this James. Look at what you're doing to me!"

James plowed through his fort, and walked to the computer, where, when Snape his the "Play" button, a slideshow of images and symptoms depicting each trimester played. "Not only do I get to look forward to weight gain, nausea, skin changes, stretch marks, cramps, backaches and more, I also, will start to produce MILK!" Snape paused, and inhaled deeply (he'd been having shortness of breath, another symptom more prevalent with stress, because, face it, Snape didn't exactly deal with stress like the rest of us.) "I'm going. To have. Breasts."

James was once again, shocked. In truth, he hadn't thought that far ahead…but it made sense…imagine. His Severus, with _Breasts._ He paused, breathless and stared at his wife's chest. Unconsciously, with a lewd twinkle in his eye, he grinned.

Snape, was going to murder him. Taking deep breaths, trying to keep calm, Snape asked, "Are you imagining me with boobs?"

James, entranced couldn't look away. He nodded, dumbly.

With a whip of his wand, Severus cast the Full-Body Bind and then, walked out of the room, letting a small smirk of satisfaction as he heard his husband hit the ground with a rigid 'Thud', and a cry of "Oomph."

Yes. Severus was an abusive wife, but one with a very good reason.

Snape walked down the stairs, towards the kitchen, with his minds eye concentrating hungrily on a bowl of bangers-and-mash and a cool glass of VITAE water. Just as he was about to enter the kitchen he heard a,

DING DONG.

Mentally cursing the inventor of doorbells (his headache had jumped up a load of notched on the Richter scale) and answered the damn door.

"SURPRISE!" Yelled a chorus of people he knew, people he sort of knew, and people he'd never met.

Severus was confused. His eyes unfocused and then when, focused, the focused angrily, on the wizard in the very front, smiling, half-moon spectacles glinting, with a hand outstretched, filled with balloons emblazoned with "BABY SHOWER!" on them… There was going to be a slight change of plans. Now, he was planning the murders of James Potter, _and_ Albus Long-ass-name Dumbledore.

Curse the idiots he was surrounded by…

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><p>Oh Sevvy. You're so adorable and mean(: UKE! :D<br>Haha R&R pweez! :S

I'll try and get this story rollin' on its planned course, and all you gotta do, is gimme some feedback! :D

Love,

SJEH ENFPE -I'm lazy...(:


	4. The Baby Shower, and Dumbledore You Suck

So...I'm pretty sure you all hate me, but *shrugs* life happens. I'm not as carefree as I used to be, I have responsibilities and priorities now. That isn't to say I haven't felt like absolute rubbish leaving y'all like that. But here you go, enjoy, read and review, and make suggestions. Remember, this is for you.

Love,

San Juanita E. Hernandez- ENFJ Possibly.

And yes, I typed this out freehand on my iPhone. The guilt got to me ;)

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><p>Was that...neon?<br>Severus's eye twitched. In all truth, it was a reflex of being surrounded by imbeciles 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He left home in the mornings, where he and that idiotic love of his life and father of his soon-to-be-born child, James Potter resided, and went to work at Hogwarts as Potions Master where that brilliant but sodding cod Albus Long-ass-name Dumbledore presided. To Severus, life was cruel, and at 2 months pregnant, there were absolutely no lemons to make lemonade with. There were however, plenty of cupcake-eating, frolicking party-goers to be found at B122 Stakers-Beet (their residence) for the baby shower that Albus and James had secretly planned behind his thickening waistline, and being the moody, adorable Uke that Severus was inclined to be, he was NOT enjoying himself. As the sixth topless glitter-clad Red Dragon impersonator skipped past him, he mused to himself, if this was really a baby shower, or a thinly veiled plot put forth by Dumbledore (that swaggering opportunist -,-') to throw a gay bash that wouldn't be reported by the Daily Prophet. The two-faced nature of the man was both charming and creepy, despite scores of witches and wizards (and wizards outnumbered the witches 2:1) falling at his feet, the man was a serious party animal. One could even compare him to a diva, if not for the fact that when all was said and done, Dumbledore was arguably the most famous wizard known to the magical community (aside from Merlin himself.) Of course, the fact that no one else at this party besides James and himself knew that the man wearing woolen socks (in September!) and a pink button down/navy cardigan combo with RASPBERRY-colored cotton boxers doing the Macarena on his kitchen table, was the very same Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore that had been repeatedly offered MoM, certainly helped (and hindered) the situation.  
>And then...there was James. Severus, did not even want to think about James so he certainly did not hear that sage voice belting out Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of The Heart." From the makeshift karaoke station that had been ramshackled together, and since he was the father of the unborn baby, this was his 3rd consecutive song, the first having been Selena Gomez's "Love You Like A Love Song," followed by Lady GaGa's "You and I", all belted out to drunken cheers and jeers. As such, Severus steadfastly ignored his husband and took in the rising cacophony with increasing anger, steadily rising as mercury in a thermometer when placed in a gradually boiling pot of water...until finally: "WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN IS BLOODY GOING ON HERE!?" As angry words burst and leapt from his mouth, rising in his chest, the partygoers slowed to a grinding halt and, realizing that Severus Snape-Potter was the one in a rage, they immediately dispersed and ran for their lives. In 30 seconds, the premise was all but vacant, the equivalent of "POLICE! OPEN UP!" In the States for absolutely any reason.<br>After the departure of his friends, Dumbledore leapt down from the table, adjusted his tie (when did he get a tie?) and solemnly transfigured himself back to his wizened and benign grandfatherly self, dressed in impeccable robes and, peering over his half-moon glasses said, "Severus, this was a wonderful baby shower, I wish you a happy delivery, and I'll see you tomorrow at work. Your present is on the table, goodbye my old friend." Having said thus, Albus apparated from the living room, and Severus had to concede that the wizard was just having a bit of fun. That being said...how in the shortness of Merlin's shorts had he disabled the anti-apparition wards without him noticing?!  
>Eyebrow, once again twitching, Severus made his way to the table and opened up Albus's gift.<br>His meticulousness in unwrapping the box revealed: A book on sexual positions and tips for pregnant men.  
>DUMBLEDORE!<br>That lecherous sod really infuriated him, especially at times like these. Then again...this could be interesting Severus told himself, as he picked up the book, and then made his way up the stairs to the bedroom to read, not even bothering to help James up from where he lay sprawled on the floor, passed out and mumbling.


	5. Oh What Surprises!

Well, it's a bit late for Christmas, but I've had homework over the holidays but, here you are! Murry Christmas!

-San Juanita Hernandez (:

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><p>Aug 12th, 1996-<p>

The sun was streaming into the windows of 122 Stakers-Beet, joyful and uplifting, and right on time to witness James Potter attempt to wake up a slumbering Severus Snape-Potter, and be whomped a good one upside the head for his efforts, which no doubt consumed most of the Gryffindor's outstanding bravery and caliber.

"What in the bloody hell do you think you're doing waking me up so early in the morning you slimy git?" Oh Merlin, backache, headache, and sleep deprivation too! This was shaping up to be a lousy day for poor Severus, but then again, being nearly three months pregnant, and with his temperament, it was almost infallibly accurate that Severus Snape-Potter would wake up to a day turning foul, especially when someone as exhausted as he was, was married to someone as cacophonous as James Potter.

"Sevvy…we have to get to get to St. Mungo's, we have an appointment, and they've already flooed twice to say that if we're not there soon, we're going to have to postpone the appointment, and we can't have that because you're nearly 12 weeks, and we have to have an ultrasound scan and we have to-(_Silencio!)_ James flapped his mouth open and closed, speechless to find that he could not speak, even though Severus had not said a thing. Curse his non-verbal magic. Throughout James's tirade, Severus had steadily gotten more and more annoyed, and had finally snapped and silenced his husband, because as much as he loved him, the flaming tosspot was just so bloody annoying! "Firstly, what is with this _we_? I'm the one carrying the baby," and he proceeded to glare at his baby bump for a second or two, before softening and continuing on, "and I'm the one that has to go through all of this! I've gained 2 kilos since last month, and I haven't changed my diet that much, except for those pre-natals and that folic crud. Honestly, four weeks ago I had no clue that the OBGYN was lying through her teeth about being able to stay trim while pregnant!" Severus stared at James for a few moments and then muttered to himself about insensitive prats and then nonverbally cleaned himself up and dressed himself in soft robes and soft shoes, because Merlin were his ankles swollen! Turning back to James just in time for the silencing to wear off, Snape quirked an eyebrow and asked, "Are you ready?" James nodded wearily, and proceeded to the fireplace and floo-called the secretary to inform her that yes, the Snape-Potter's would be along shortly.

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><p>"Well Mr. Potter, it looks like its twins."<p>

…"Does Severus know?"

"Someone is going to tell him right now."

"Merlin help us all."

"Indeed,.…we've sealed his room with _Bombarda maxima_ proof wards."

"And the nurse, who'd you send in?"

"Grumpy sort, she'll relay the news with as little cheer as possible."

"Oh wonderful, thank you sir… I'd imagine she'd be there right about now."

"Give it a moment."

*BOOM BAM POW KA-WOOSH*

"That last one was quite interesting."

"Indeed, impressive non-verbal magic."

"JAMES POTTER I AM GOING TO BLOODY MURDER YOU!"

"Ah, I love him."

"I imagine you're the only man brave enough in this world to impregnate Severus Snape with twins."

"Yes, indeed. Brandy?"

"I'd love some. But I imagine you need it more than I do."

"You're right of course…bottoms up!' *swig*

And so, it came to pass, that Severus Snape-Potter was pregnant with twins, indeed, James was in for a rough time.

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><p>"HOW MUCH IS IT GOING TO COST?!"<p>

"Approximately 5,200 Galleons, 2 Sickles, and 16 Knuts Mr. Snape-Potter."

"Oh Merlin, I need my job back."

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><p>Just to clear up, this is Alt. Universe. There is no magical Lily Evans, she's a muggle and her sister and she have never been closer. There is no Lord Voldemort, Tom Marvolo Riddle was adopted from the orphanage when he was five, and his name was changed to Barty Crouch Jr. because Barty Crouch Sr. is impotent and BC Jr. does not know he is adopted, or heir of Slytherin or blah blah blah, he's just a spoiled little girl now. I've had to change some dates here, ahem: Severus Snape was born January 9th, 1967 to his widowed mother who loved him very much but died of magical tuberculosis and was adopted into the X family who are middle-class but he chose to keep his original family name out of homage to his parents who loved him dearly. James Potter was born March 27th, 1967 and he was still a wealthy pure-blood, but when his parents found out he was gay at 16 they disowned him and now at 29 he's a Seeker for Puddlemere United, and is paid an average of let's say...4000 galleons per year. Snape was Potions Master so let's say he earns 6000 galleons in a year. That puts their annual income at 10,000 galleons per year, that's 50,000 pounds, so they're in the 80,000ish ranking (American dollars). But monthly, we're looking at 668 galleons, or three-3000ish pounds, or 6000ish dollars per month, and a C-section in the UK is typically about £6,500 to £26,000: Now Severus is a man and pregnant with twins so complications are bound to arise so his C-section will probably be VERY expensive.<p>

That's all for now, R&R and any questions you have, just PM me!

Love,

San Juanita E. Hernandez (:


	6. Because I Love Y'all

San Juanita here (: I'll just out with it-I feel guilty as blitzkrieg. Sorry I've been such a lazy bum.

Bad San Juanita.

I just realized I never have disclaimers. This one counts for the past chapters. I do not own Harry Potter, this story is for fun and slight schadenfreude. Bye!

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><p>Severus Snape-Potter was angry. Not because of anything James had done, (although in a way it WAS his fault), or because he was broke or even because he'd gained another 3 pounds in a fortnight. No, Severus Snape-Potter was angry, because as a pregnant man expecting twins he was not allowed to be angry. Of course, he understood the whys of it-stress on the children, and the negative effects etc, but Merlin, how could those hecklers at St. Mungo's take away his coping mechanism? At 29 years old, pregnant with twins and the spouse of James Potter, wasn't it his right to be angry? And damn it all if those fat children of his would stand in his way. But of course, that was all talk. Er. Thoughts. Secretly Severus Snape-Potter sighed softly as he subtly stroked his belly, cooing softly.<p>

Cooing. Softly.

What more do you need to hear to know that for all his huffing and over zealous use of the word martyr...Severus Snape-Potter was absolutely in love with his soon to be born children.

But James need not know that...not when Sevvy's only coping mechanism now was hurting James every chance he got...thank Merlin that as Chaser for the Ballycastle Bats, James was more than used to getting injured. Well Severus was just getting angrier thinking about it. What does Severus do when he's angry? Shower. Hot showers, because (and he won't admit this, but it's also because he's sort of vain.)

In fact, James was thinking very much along those lines (er, the anger, not Sevvy's vanity) for being married to Severus Snape, one had to be aware of their spouses bouts of anger.

In fact, James mused, not only did he say (and sign) I do to the regular marriage-y stuff such as sickness health and et cetera but also the unspoken contract floating above Sevvy's head (beautiful) that bluntly stated that to balance out their amazing sex life, Severus would be able to hurt him as much as his angry Uke heart pleased. Which, to James, was one hell of a bargain.

Speaking of amazing sex life...er. Thinking of amazing sex life, where was his adorable wife?

A quick hominem revelio later and James had his answer...the shower. Of course.

Ever an opportunist (how do you think Sevvy became pregnant? Immaculate conception?) James summoned his broomstick and undressed, then lazily mounted ( :) his broom) and moved along the air towards the bathroom.

Alohamora. He whispered softly...and gently guided himself through the narrow opening (;D) ...of the bathroom door.

James disillusioned himself and landed softly on the bathroom mat. Quietly, his reflexes hypersensitive, he stalked his prey...he could see through the shower curtain that Severus was preoccupied rubbing his protruding belly so James eased open the curtain and caught a glimpse of his Sevvy: pale and wet, a curtain of ebony hair sudsy and piled in a crown atop his head exposing the back of his sensitive heat flushed neck, an inviting scarlet,...spine ramrod stiff (:)) waist curved outward with the twins he was carrying which James had implanted within his pliant body not 4 months ago...

James was rock hard.

Who wouldn't be, he mused to himself, when looking at that alabaster man who he loved more than anything else in the world, capable of the most passionate fire (one would never guess, but yes its always the quiet ones...)

By now Severus's instincts had picked up that something was amiss. But he'd been in the hot water for nearly ten minutes, he was deliciously breathless and the steam within the bathroom had wormed its way into his mind and that is why (he will stubbornly argue to the end) that is why when James held his breath and time stilled as his right arm with two fingers extended traced a nearly burning line from the nape of Severus's neck to the dimpled parting of his cheeks ( and no not the ones on his face) then ghosted familiarly around his pelvis, coming to rest on his distended stomach, that Severus did the thing that Severus just does not do and whimpered.

Bloody. Whimpered.

The Cheshire Cat was forever shamed by the grin that stole across the face of James Potter as he moved forward and (like a puzzle piece snapping into place) fitted himself comfortably behind Sevvy, and gently licked from behind his red ear to his red red cheeks (yes the ones on his face) and purred in a low debauchery laden voice that promised every sinful thing in the world if only he would give all of himself to his desires...

"Severus..."

And that was all it took.

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><p>Just another clearing up. I thought James was a Seeker xD<p>

so I've made him Chaser for the Ballycastle Bats.

Oh and I made a mistake but I don't know how to fix it on iPhone so: Severus is on maternity leave from Hogwarts? Baby shower mistake. Either way he's going back to earn money for the babies :D

well see...

Review if you want them to go all the way(:

love y'all ?


	7. Officially Officiated: Time for the Sex!

Hey y'all! It's been a few months since I last posted, *hides*, but I'm here to tell you the great news! From now on, I will publish a new chapter twice every month, or so help me I will do something horrible to me...like fail Math. Yes...horrrible...

kidding(: But yes, I will do my best! . I know the chapters are relatively short, but in essence, I'm experimenting with drabble plots. short drabbles which move the plot along and provide funny and sarcastic and blah blah blah breaks from this 'orrible life :P

kidding again. (:

Love y'all enjoy, read, and please review, I always crack up when y'all drop me a few lines, it really is a picker upper, especially when life is so suffocating (:

-San Juanita ENFP extraordinaire (:

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><p>James Potter must die.<p>

If anyone had passed by the open window on the 1st floor of 122 Stakers-Beet, where Severus Snape-Potter was currently indulging in No-Melt Ice Cream on top of honeyed papayas topped with trail mix, they would have found the scene quite…odd. For instance, imagine you, a passerby on a perfectly public street, walking past a simple open window, where a gloomy, pudgy man is stuffing his face with ice cream, almost-crying and glaring at anything and everything…it was just enough to make you think that the man was pregnant…

Which he was. But the passerby didn't need know that. Instead, they gave a wide berth to the window, where Sevvy was currently enjoying the fall breeze on his hot face, eating for three in martyred silence. But oh, how James Potter would pay for doing this to him! Severus had gained a stone over the past 4 months, and that fat was evenly distributed around his navel and thighs…oh how sweet the death of James Potter would be!

Severus of course, completely overlooked his involvement in the conception of his fattening children and instead: placed all of the blame on James Potter. Today, he was officially 16 weeks pregnant with twins and today, an officiate of St. Mungo's maternal ward would arrive on his doormat in no less than 7 hours, to cast an official St. Mungo's spell to determine, officially, the gender of his children. His eyebrow twitched in annoyance. He however, was forbidden from casting the spell upon himself, because it was potentially harmful to his children if cast twice, and the first time must be recorded officially by an officiate officially officiated by the officer officially official of official officiate officers. It was just enough to make his head almost explode, and he escaped self-destruction by being able to only just follow the official train of thought. Officially.

And so, Severus lingered by the window diagonal from the fireplace, awaiting the usual *chime* which alerted residents to an incoming Floo call. As this was an official Floo call from St. Mungos there was absolutely no skipping out on this, so Severus was forced to acquiesce and if there is one thing Severus hated more than all, (other than Celestina Warbeck) it was acquiescing.

*chime*

A minute till seven. No less than 7 hours to St. Mungo's apparently means 6 hours and 59 minutes after you receive the notice. Severus's entire face twitched. But, as he had no choice, he accepted the Floo call and glared into the flames as the recorded message played into his living room.

"Dear Mr. Severus-Potter, St. Mungo's has received your file and approved this Floo call, to be received at six fifty-nine, this evening: September 10th, 1996, in your living room situated at 122 Stakers-Beet, Ballycastle, Ireland. As a necessary examination under the Decree for the Official Gender Determination of Pregnant Witches and Wizards, section B. Male Pregnancy, Article 8. Twin Pregnancy, Subarticle. 16 St. Mungo's Official Gender Determination, and Line 385. Official Recording of Gender Jurisdiction, officially Dilys Dirwick Sr. is hereby given full jurisdiction to serve beneath the official decree, no less than 7 hours from notification receipt, authorized to and from St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, Pregnancy Ward, Director and Supervisor, Hippocrates Smythwyck. Hoping you are well, Miriam Hapathys-Strout."

Severus Snape-Potter sighed and backed away from the fireplace as a balding, middle-aged officiate waddled through his grate and situated himself in the middle of the comfortable living room.

James Potter, who had been upstairs working on Quidditch plays, began descending the stairs when he heard the recorded message begin playing to his living room and very irritable wife, stopping only when he'd reached the side of said irritable wife.

"Good evening Mr. Potter, Mr. Snape-Potter. My name is Dilys Dirwick and I shall be your official officiate officiated officially by St. Mungo's Hospital for—" and then Severus Silence'd him.

"Enough blabbering. Just cast your spell and leave. Officially." Severus sneered.

Mr. Dirwick was not offended in the slightest. This was Severus Snape-Potter we were talking about, cold and unfriendly is just what was on the menu, and now, pregnant with twins, no doubt he would be impatient and irritable as well.

"Alright Mr. Severus-Potter, step into the center of the living room please…thank you. '_infans creturum." _A white glow emitted from the tip of Mr. Dirwick's wand and bathed Severus's navel, turning pink on the left and blue on the right. "Mr. Potter, Mr. Snape-Potter, it appears as if your twins shall be fraternal; on February 25th, 1997, you are due to give birth to a girl and a boy, at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, Pregnancy Ward. Do you accept this diagnosis and reservation?"

"We do." Mumbled Severus and then turned away, quickly wiping away at the ghost of a tear which threatened to spill from his cold left eye. "Now, away with you." James smiled a little at the efforts of his wife to stop his developing tear and with a nod to Mr. Dirwick said, "Thanks for coming, you have a good one, and the redial return grate password to specify is 'rook.'

After Mr. Dirwick's departure, Severus turned, looked at James meaningfully, deeply into his eyes, and promptly and silently conjured a pillow to smother him with.

"A boy and a girl?! Really? This was all your plan from the get-go you sick bastard, come here so that I can murder you once and for all!"

And that was how, in the evening of September 10th, 1996, James Potter was sentenced to death by Severus Snape-Potter, on the charge of being a 'perverted bastard who had nothing better to do than impregnate him with his fat offspring.'

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><p>That was a little cruel, making y'all think it was what it wasn't but it kind of was?<p>

Okay nevermind, that made sense in my head. -.-'

Anyway, as I am a yaoi, lemon, lime, slash, whatever you call it reader, and not writer, this would be my first time attempting it as a writer and I would really like to know if y'all would want to read slash by a mediocre writer such as me (:

So, PM, Review, ...love me.

Thanks 3 :D

OH!

And reader question: So far, do y'all like where this is going? I imagine as a drabble, this fic is going to take at least 5 more chapter until birth, 1 for birth, and another for a glimpse into life after the birth, so about 7-8 more chapter, putting us at around 14-15...of course, I COULD just write them all out before hand and publish them all...but my condition is that you all write reviews over each of them, and that's a lot to ask, methinks.

Let me know(:

OH!

sorry. I'm also thinking about drabbling, their childhoods, how they met, really wringing this pairing-towel out with every little chap I can xD

So again, Let Me Know.

Love y'all-

San Juanita Hernandez ENFP Extraordinaire :D3 C:


	8. Chapter 8: A Comfortable Interlude

Hey y'all. This is just a cute drabble, and I shall update again tomorrow with an actual chapter. Sorry I'm so mean. Bad Harry.

(:

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><p>September 10th, 1996, 7:45PM.<p>

"James Potter you conniving twit, just what do you think you're doing!?"

Set the scene, imagine a comfortable living room; full figured furniture, roaring fireplace, plush carpeting, light décor, and of course an antique chair laced with Warming charms supporting a fuller-figured Severus Snape.

Now imagine a certain wizard with a death wish (no not Voldyshorts or Albus-longassname-Dumbledore, but instead a certain Mr. James Potter-Snape) giving this dour pregnant man a comforting massage. Picture the comfort and the coziness in this scene and then…add in a perverted Potter.

For all of Severus's skill with Potion even he could not recognize the danger in brewing a comfortable scene and then adding in a man who is fatally involved with a known dangerous substance… What would you get? What _could_ you get? Certainly not a Calming Draught.

What had begun as an innocuous shoulder massage slowly escalated and headed into dangerous territory as James Potter slid his greedy hands around Severus's knotted shoulders, halfway down his coiled arms, and horizontally across his décolletage , flattened palms eventually making their way to a hint of a busom, and cupping the non-virtuous Snape's perfect, perky, thinly protected nips through his too-thin wizarding robes.

(A valentines present from a certain Mr. Potter-Snape.)

This brings us to the present, shortly after Mr. Dirwick made his departure, an increasingly agitated Snape had submitted to a comfortable massage and instead sealed his fate immediately, for in the eyes of Mr. James Potter, all was fair in love and war, and believe you me, making love to Mr. Severus Potter-Snape was fair parts art and war.

Now who would like to know what happens next?

Considering the temperament with Mr. Potter-Snape, we are left with only one possible outcome: The imminent homicide of James Potter.

But wait. We must then ask ourselves…how came James and Severus to be man and wife? Surely, with a temperament as dour and sour all sorts of 'ours', then surely James would have been dust long before any wedding night.

Let us then ask ourselves…what does James know that we don't? It's quite simple. How else would a man as famed for his temperament as Arthur was for his sword allow anyone, (much less a man such as James Potter) to impregnate him (much less access his nether regions *eyebrow lift*)…well the answer is simple.

Ahem. For all of his refusals and insults and point-blank-borderline-terrifying grievances Severus Snape-Potter absolutely adored intimacy.

(And by intimacy, of course I mean sex.)


	9. Chapter 9: The Perfection of Magickmates

September 11th, 1996

The armchair in question, which supported our dear Severus's girth and breadth, was now being violated.

Severus was flushed red, blushing so furiously that his ears were red and gripping the seat so tight that his knuckles were red as well. James was of course, the reason for Snape's foray into vermilion. Languid strokes of a tongue, from a man shameless enough to dare place said tongue upon Severus's ruby ears, turned Severus into a moaning mess and James continued his sublime torture, continued to lick tenderly across the man's Adams apple and whisper chaotic sweet nothings into his overly stimulated aural channels, all the while maintaining a perfectly tantalizing massage.

"James, ple-ase…"

A single digit was made apparent upon Snape's swollen hungry lips and James murmured an enchanting spiel, touch and taste and _want_ and if Severus could bottle the words and dilute them, he could sell the aphrodisiacal cologne and retire without ever seeing another brat ever again. The words were no longer English, they were magick, and Severus's magic was powerful and blunt, but James's magic was persistent and enveloping. They were each other's match made in Magic and the ancient force within them compelled them to join time and time again.

That spark within them, their soul and that flame that engulfed them, their magick, spoke to the air and their atmosphere was charged with a current fierce and unabated. They had started with slow, languorous kisses and had spiraled into rasher, rougher more intoxicating intimacies, quickly forgoing Romance in the firelight in favor of Seduction, in the face of an inferno.

Severus grasped the forearm directly in front of him and ground upward, cursing his sizeable belly and wincing from the sheer _need _ coursing throughout his being. He understood this feeling, the hormones intensifying everything he'd felt before his pregnancy, when his magic had reacted with James, had pushed and strained and urged to join and become one and when they had finally connected and merged; his blood and body and magic and soul sang rich, heartfelt praise and worship to James and he realized that he had no other choice, he was in love, he was in need, he could only bind himself to this man, magically, lawfully, bodily.

They had created life together. Magic and blood and essence and fire and heat; and they had borne a life from the sheer _completion _of themselves, and Severus could not possible be more full of magic, love, lust, blood; of eternity.

That, was the reason why, in the face of inexperience, Severus had abandoned a silly childhood crush and poured his being into racing towards the man his everything knew was his everything. James had been surprised, James had not known that magic was this powerful existed, that magic could be this urgent and transcendent and he made love to and for Severus Snape-Potter; he reveled in this existence where he was one with such a man, power, intelligence, keenness, wit, anger, timeless…he was a whirlwind and he was a firestorm and together they neutralized each other and bore the brunt of the lonely world, they survived and faced the sun and the dark with joined hands and blissfully they coincided and completed and ….connected at more than love; at Truth.

With the heaviness of their love and lust and loveliness pressing upon them they feasted on each other and loved one another thoroughly and each died a little death in the arms of one another, over and over and over again.

They were made for one another. They were eternal and grateful and they loved with a love that was more than love; in its nourished embrace they blossomed together.


End file.
